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Book Review - The Emotionally Absent Mother

"Few experiences in life are as deep as the feelings we carry about our mothers. The roots of some of these feelings are lost in the dark recesses of preverbal experience. The branches go every which way, some holding glorious, sun-drenched moments, while others are broken off, leaving sharp and jagged edges that we get caught on. Mother is not a simple subject..."

Disclaimer:
As with any exercise provided by this book, this may bring up uncomfortable feelings, so you will want to pace yourself. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, you might let it go for now and come back to read this book again when you are ready.
It's 10 PM o'clock here when I write down these few paragraphs. No, this is not only about time but also a matter of decision, because this book is my bibliotherapy. So I involve my logic and also my feelings regarding the contents of this book. I will explain to you not only based on the information that I received from this book but also how this book touches me deeply.

After careful consideration, I decided to put my review on this page: A book with the title "The Emotionally Absent Mother". To be honest, I've read this book since I entered my 20s, when my Lecturer asked me about my personal life and my relationship as well. You know that when we talked about relationships, It means any kind of relationship, with your mother, father, friends, partner, etc. Connections will be so complicated once you get the point of how you getting older, and how you spend your time as long as you go through the development of your life as a human being. Truly apologize If my introduction was hard to understand. I do understand, because we are going to talk about something intangible, 

I started to review this book by talking about relationships because I found one of the important points regarding how our relationship with our mother affects our relationship with our partner in the future. But we will not discuss this matter, please kindly visit my previous blog with the title "Orphan Archetype" :)
As the author claims, Cori told us that this book is a kind of guide to self-healing and getting the love we missed. This book will be of great value since new mothers must learn about how to create a loving environment for their children.

How a mother responds to our basic needs tells us about our importance to her. What her eyes say? How about the expressions on her face? What do her actions? All of these are a part of our mother's communication and shape our relationship with her. Let's start by looking at what may be called "Good Mother Messages" and then consider what those of us who are undermothered heard instead. Here are ten basic Good Mother Messages:
  1. I am glad that you are here
  2. I see you
  3. You are special to me
  4. I respect you
  5. I love you
  6. Your needs are important to me. You can turn to me for help
  7. I am here for you. I will make time for you
  8. I will keep you safe
  9. You can rest in me
  10. I enjoy you. You brighten my heart
When these good mother messages are absent, they leave specific "holes" or feelings of deficiency. In addition to the 10 good mother messages, this book also explains regarding the ten faces of mother, with the detail below:
  1. Mother as source
  2. Mother as a place of attachment
  3. Mother as the first responder
  4. Mother as modulator
  5. Mother as nurturer
  6. Mother as mirror
  7. Mother as cheerleader
  8. Mother as mentor
  9. Mother as protector
  10. Mother as home base
When any one of these essential functions is missing, It leaves a hole in our development.  The hole is gaping and we will look for what can fill it through our way of fulfilling our needs as a child.

This book is not about "bad mothers" and their sins of commission, but rather about their sins of omission-their failure to provide what the good mother provides. Although the severity of neglect and the coldness displayed by these mothers is often nothing short of astonishing, it's hard to blame these mothers when you see them more clearly. It's hard being a mother, right? There are many things to prepare for because the mother is the axis around which the family and the child's emotional life revolve.

So that's my little review of this book, and as soon as I realized it this review only covers 2 chapters in this book :D There are many details that I need to explain. So next time, we're going to talk about our attachment to our mother as our foundation.

Thank you for reading, and see you in the next post :)


Reference:
Lee Cori, Jasmin. (2010). The Emotionally Absent Mother: A guide to self-healing and getting the love you missed. United States: The Experiment LLC

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